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Privacy Policy First Draft

This Website, Your Privacy, and Cookies

Your privacy means a lot to us; that is why we've had you placed under surveillance.

We've tapped your telephone and installed high-definition, megazoom pinhole cameras in every room - including at least one in the head of your shower. This is because we care so much about your privacy.

As you are reading this, we have no less than 42 separate monitoring devices detecting and recording your every move - all dedicated to protecting your privacy. Some include live audio feeds, so stop sniffing, and pay attention. And stop scratching that.

Your privacy is of such importance to us that at all times we even have a couple of operatives in your home. You won't see them of course, but they can see you!

Our Agent's primary role is to discreetly monitor both you, and your surroundings 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - and report back to us if they do detect any breach of your privacy. Please be assured that if any breaches of your privacy are detected by our covert operatives or monitoring systems, details will immediately be patched thru to our corporate headquarters.

Within seconds, not only will all available duty and field agents also begin receiving the live video and audio feeds from your home - we shall have a 20 man SWAT team - all wearing body cameras (to protect your privacy) storm your neighborhood and property in order to take out the snooper(s).

We also guarantee at least one press helicopter film crew to capture the whole incident for a live breaking news event on CNN, Fox, Sky and MSNBC - and we will even provide you with a team of six close protection officers so that as the whole event unfolds and is beamed live coast to coast, and you're squinting against the spotlights while giving interviews, you won't get jostled by the press pack as they try to push their cameras and microphones into your face.

You can feel secure in the knowledge that in the event of any instances of invasion of your privacy, it will be witnessed and recorded by no fewer than 250 agents, 6 close protection officers and a live film crew syndicating the scene to hundreds of millions of people. It's all part of the service.

This website also uses cookies.